Wrecked, Ruined and Rattled
by SurviveWithoutAnyone
Summary: Canon- Peeta Mellark struggles with reality during the rebellion.


_This was written for marycontrary82 in the Spring Fling Gift Exchange. You should check out her new story Kindling if you haven't already. _

_Thanks to my wonderful beta Court81981 for being so awesome and patient with me. She is also a very talented author so feel free to check out A Favorable Wind and Windfall._

_You can find me on tumblr under survivewithoutanyone._

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It took Snow two days to convince Peeta to do a televised interview with Caesar.

Peeta was cautious of Snow but he wasn't intimidated by him and now that Peeta knew District 13 did in fact exist, he was reasonably certain Katniss was out of harm's way. After all, if the residents in District 13 were able to survive a bombing 75 years ago then he imagined Katniss would surely be safe there now. The rest of Peeta's family had already been killed with the other residents of District 12.

Peeta and Johanna had a lot more in common these days.

There wasn't anyone left for Snow to take from him either.

Snow promised to allow Katniss to return home to Peeta, sparing her life, if he did the interview.

Once Peeta did what Snow wanted, they were much less accommodating to him. Rather than three meals a day, they fed him only daily. But before he could receive that one meal, Peeta first had to suffer through his daily beating. Peacekeepers would chain Peeta to a railing in his cell while they whipped him several times, assaulting him with questions they already knew he didn't have the answers to. Peeta hardly flinched when they hit him with the whip. Not even sticks and stones fazed Peeta much anymore.

Being malnourished was taking a toll, and Peeta was becoming weaker each day. His nightmares worsened, and he'd wake up crying out for Katniss and thrashing around on his bed. Snow forced Peeta to watch as they electrocuted Lavinia and beat and quartered Darius. He gaped while they burned Portia to death; he didn't want to but each time he closed his eyes, trying not to look, they would dump hot water over his head. They forced Peeta to do two more interviews, threatening to kill Johanna and Annie while he watched helplessly if he didn't cooperate. After the last interview when Peeta gave Snow's plan away, not caring what happened to him so long as Katniss was safe, they began altering his memories of his precious Katniss.

First they played on his fear of Katniss loving Gale more than Peeta. They injected him with tracker jacker venom and forced him to watch a video of Katniss and Gale kissing in the woods in District 12 against a tree. Peeta knew about this kiss; he knew Katniss didn't reciprocate her feelings for Gale any more than she did for him, but over the hours that Peeta was forced to watch, he began to see the longing in Katniss' eyes, the way she melted into the kiss and pulled Gale closer, grabbing his shirt and deepening the kiss.

Then they forced Peeta to watch the video footage of the kisses Katniss and he had shared in the cave and even their time in the Capitol during the Victory Tour, altering the memories until Peeta could see so clearly what a terrible actress Katniss was. He could see the distance she'd keep after kissing him, how fake her smiles were, and the tension in her face made it clear how much kissing him disgusted her.

For three days, they showed Peeta images of Katniss throwing a vase and cutting open Peeta's hand, her trying to drop a tracker jacker nest on him, drugging him in the cave, aiming her bow at him at the end of their 1st games, trying to stop Finnick from saving him, becoming affectionate with Finnick while Peeta was passed out on the beach and finally Katniss shooting the arrow at the force field, blowing up the arena and District 12. There were eight times she tried to kill Peeta by his measure: five in their first games and three in their second.

Peeta had only been left alone a few short hours when he heard loud footsteps before the door to his cell was thrown open by a group of men he didn't recognize. He struggled against them slightly before they gassed him to sleep.

When Peeta regained conscious he was surprised to find he didn't recognize his surroundings or the men standing in front of him. He knew he was no longer in the Capitol. The plainness of the gray room gave that away. And these men were definitely not Peacekeepers, as they were not dressed all in white. In fact Peeta was positive they weren't from the Capitol at all. Their skin was not tinted, their hair was not unnaturally colored and there were no tattoos or physical enhancements. They looked normal; tired and worn out, but normal.

Still, Peeta didn't believe them when they told him he was safe. As far as Peeta knew, there were two sides: Snow's and Katniss'. Both were enemies. Nowhere was safe.

There she was, as if thinking her name would bring her to him. At first he wasn't sure if she was real but as she started running towards him, seemingly pleased that he was in her grasp, he knew he had to attack her before she could attack him. An image of her attempting to finish him off when he was already almost dead, pain throbbing in his leg as blood gushed out of him, her screaming his name hysterically, her face rabid, feral and mad, flashed through his mind. By the time the image passed, she was standing in front of him, blood completely drained from her face and his hands around her neck. He felt a sharp blow to his right cheek, and then everything went black.

The images came rapidly. Mags walking into the fog. Tracker jackers coming for Peeta. Water dripping through the cave. The sickly woman from 6 saving him. Monkeys killing her. Mutts chasing Peeta and Katniss. Cato nearly torn to shreds. The force field being shot at. District 12 burnt to the ground. Peeta's hands around Katniss' throat. Finally, Katniss lying unconscious in a pool of blood.

It was the sound of Peeta's own cries that woke him up. Disoriented, he tried to move, wanting to see for himself if Katniss was dead or if it had in fact only been a dream, but he found he was restrained by 3 straps on his arms and 2 on his legs. He tried to orient himself but the gray walls, and small TV hung in the corner gave nothing away. A large mirror dominated one of the walls and he took a few minutes to study his reflection. His hair was damp from sweat, his eyes puffy and dark from lack of sleep. He noticed a large bruise on his face and remembered trying to strangle Katniss before everything went dark. He wondered if he was successful.

The door to his room then opened. Peeta's eyes hardened, and he clenched his jaw when Haymitch walked in.

The two men stared at each other, neither saying a word as they studied one another. Finally, Haymitch spoke. "I tried to save you both."

Peeta didn't respond except to look away. "It's not Katniss' fault you didn't get saved."

"I bet she wanted to kill me herself," Peeta pointed out. "People are disposable to her. She's a mutt. She killed my family and she tried to kill me."

Haymitch tried to interrupt, but Peeta yelled "She's a mutt! And I'll kill her and anyone who stands in my way before I'll let her kill anyone else."

Haymitch shook his head as he stood up to walk out of the room. He turned back to look at Peeta just before he walked out the door. "She loves you."

The first time the doctor visited, Peeta didn't say anything. The doctor introduced himself as Doctor Ivory and began asking Peeta some questions.

Peeta just ignored him.

The second time Peeta only answered the basic questions. His name: Peeta Mellark. Birthday: March 25th. Home: District 12. It wasn't until the third visit, that Peeta started answering the more personal questions about his family. He still only replied with terse one – or two- word answers. Whenever the doctor would try to delve for more information or question Peeta about Katniss, it would send Peeta into a rage and he would scream for hours after. The doctors didn't allow anyone who he might recognize to visit during this time.

When Peeta was finally able to answer the questions without becoming agitated, the specialists decided to try a District 12 resident that he knew apart from Katniss. Someone who he wouldn't associate with Katniss. They chose Delly Cartwright.

This seemed like the perfect person as Delly and Peeta's mothers were good friends and they'd spent a lot of time together as children. The conversation started out well enough, but once Peeta starting asking about home and why he couldn't go back to District 12, they knew there wasn't much hope. Soon Delly was told to leave the room quickly. Peeta spent the next three hours screaming about gray-eyed mutts who pretended to love him and tried to kill him.

The doctors continued to attempt to rehabilitate Peeta.

They started showing Peeta each video they had of Peeta and Katniss, taking time to discuss the details of the event. First they would ask Peeta to tell them what was going on, then they would fill in the blanks or correct his memories. This didn't seem to work as Peeta kept insisting that Katniss was only pretending or Katniss was trying to kill him and she had a knife in the hand that they couldn't see. They showed Peeta videos that could in no way have been tampered with because the Capitol didn't have access, like the video of her singing "The Hanging Tree" or the one of Katniss talking about her fear for Peeta's safety, but Peeta could not be convinced that Katniss was not a mutt. The doctors tried to discuss what happened in the Capitol with Peeta. Peeta wouldn't talk about it much.

After a couple of weeks, they decided to administer morphling to Peeta and then show him a video to see if this had the desired effect in reversing his hijacking. Although Peeta didn't freak out about Katniss, he was more catatonic than calm when watching the video, and it seemed to leave him in a confused state for hours after and then he just wanted to talk about the goat. The doctors continued with this method for a couple weeks, but it didn't have the desired result and the doctors went back to the original method of trying to get Peeta to talk about what the video was showing.

One day, Peeta asked if he could have a pencil and some paper, and he began drawing his memories, the ones that haunted him the most. These weren't always images of the Games. Sometimes they were pictures of Katniss on the train, dancing, or learning how to bake from his father.

There was one image he couldn't get out of his head. It was years before their first Games when Katniss had picked up a dandelion after breaking eye contact with Peeta. He couldn't understand why she would pick up a weed. Maybe if he could remember what happened before then he might've understood the significance. He drew Katniss and Prim standing outside the bakery while Prim looked at the decorated cakes. He drew Katniss lying over Gale after he'd been whipped and the image Snow replayed for Peeta over and over of Gale and Katniss kissing just outside the fence line.

Peeta's nightmares became worse but during the day things began to make sense. He didn't argue when the doctors told him that Katniss didn't want to kill him.

When Plutarch Heavensbee asked Peeta if he'd like to make Finnick and Annie's wedding cake, he was elated. It felt good to be needed and useful. He remembered his visit to District 4. He remembered how beautiful the ocean was, waking up in the morning and seeing the dolphins in the distance swimming and jumping in the water. He remembered the beautiful seashells scattered across the sand. He imagined it must be as hard for them as it was for him not being home. Hopefully when this was over, they'd still have a home to go to, unlike him. He slaved over light shades of blue and green to re-create the color of the ocean. He spent hours mixing oranges and pinks for the seashells.

Prim visited Peeta in the kitchen one day. She told him about the sleepless nights Katniss had spent worrying about him when they weren't sure he was alive. She told him about the pearl that Katniss held on to each night as she wished for Peeta's return. Prim told Peeta that she thought of him as a brother. She asked him not to give up on Katniss.

Haymitch visited Peeta again. Their exchange was less tense than the first, although Peeta did tell him how infuriated and let down he felt that Haymitch had once again lied to him even after they promised to keep no more secrets. He was angry that he was lied to even after Katniss had come forth with her suspicions. Haymitch nodded. "I thought the less you knew the safer you were. I should've known better."

Peeta asked Haymitch if he could see Katniss.

He was shocked that she did agree to come; he thought for sure she wouldn't show. He almost thought she wouldn't show. After all, he did try to strangle her. As she entered the room, he stared at her for a few minutes, unsure of what to say.

Katniss seemed cold and distant towards him.

He didn't understand. Prim and Haymitch had told him she loved him. Her actions and his memories hadn't proved them right. Katniss wasn't being honest with him either. He wanted - no he needed- to know whether or not she loved him. He needed to hear the words from her. He didn't care what everyone else thought; he needed her to be honest with him for once. When she stormed out he knew she would never give that to him.

He knew she'd chosen Gale when he saw her sitting next to him, laughing with Finnick. He felt himself being drawn to their table. No matter how much she hurt him or how angry he was, she was like a magnet pulling him towards her. He appreciated Delly and Johanna accepting his presence. He wondered what it might've been like had he been rescued alongside Katniss. Would it feel more natural to sit with everyone?

Peeta didn't like how the others treated him, as if he owed them for being alive.

"That should count for something," Katniss had boasted.

"Yeah a lot of things should count for something that don't seem to, Katniss. I've got some memories I can't make sense of, and I don't think the Capitol touched them. A lot of nights on the train, for instance," Peeta answered. That last comment was just as much for Gale's benefit as it was for Katniss. He wanted Gale to hurt just as much as he did. And those nights spent fighting off nightmares must've meant something to her. There were no cameras rolling then.

Peeta was enraged at himself for starting the star-crossed lovers act, and bitter towards Katniss for keeping with the act when she was obviously with Gale and jealous of Gale for holding Katniss' heart.

After Katniss and Gale walked away, Delly yelled at Peeta for treating Katniss so terribly. "I've never seen you treat anyone like that, and Katniss deserves it the least," she'd said.

Then a flash of a memory came to Peeta: when Katniss told Peeta she couldn't live without him. She needed him. And that kiss. He'd never been kissed like that before.

The memory faded and he realized that it wasn't real. Katniss chose Gale.

He felt crushed and rejected but also wild and vengeful. He didn't like feeling isolated from Katniss. Every so often he could remember how much he loved her so clearly that he could still feel it somewhere inside him.

Katniss didn't say goodbye. Peeta knew he didn't have the right to be sad about that.

He was shocked when Coin said she was sending him into the field. Not as shocked as the rest of Squad 451.

He began to resent Katniss for making him feel so blemished and ashamed. It was clear that his mere existence provoked a rage in her that she felt he should be punished for. He only wanted to be near her. He wanted to remember the way it felt when their friendship was easy. He wanted to grasp onto the sensation of being wanted that he'd faintly remembered when drawing back in District 13.

Finnick showed him that tying knots helped distract his thoughts. It worked as long as Katniss wasn't around. When she was around, there were a thousand questions he wanted to ask but was too uncomfortable to try. He sensed her discomfort as well and chose simpler questions, questions that only required answers she could give anybody instead of the more private details she wouldn't want disclosed to anyone, even Gale. She had asked Peeta to sleep with her, real or not real? She had only kissed him for the cameras, real or not real? They had shared a sunset together, real or not real?

Conversation became easier with Katniss, which pleased Peeta. The tension between them decreased, and their exchanges felt more natural. When Katniss admitted to protecting Peeta even after trying to kill her, he remembered the tender and warm feeling he felt in the cave in their first Games. Her kiss brought him back to reality, and he remembered the moment they agreed not to die without the other. She treated his wounds, and he remembered they were both willing to die to let the other live. When she hugged him, telling him to be safe, not to kill himself unless absolutely necessary, he remembered how passionate and exhilarating their last kiss on the beach had been.

Watching Prim burn paralyzed Katniss, watching Katniss burn frightened Peeta into action. He pulled her from the fire at the same time the rebels contained Snow and claimed victory.

He didn't understand how Katniss and Haymitch could agree to host one last Hunger Games until he watched Katniss aim her bow at Coin. He was already rushing towards Katniss when the arrow hit its mark, needing to shield her from anyone who might've been loyal to Coin. He swore time slowed down, and his heart stopped beating when she lifted her shoulder and turned her head with her mouth open, letting him know she had decided her own fate.

Peeta boarded the train, ready to face the only demons he had left, the demons that still resided in District 12. He reached into his pocket and grasped onto the pearl that had fallen out of Katniss' pocket as he pulled her from the fire, he smiled at the memory of giving it to her, a token he'd hoped she would hang onto in memory of him. Finding the pearl erased any doubt he'd had about her affections. With one last look, he threw the pearl out of the train window. Katniss wouldn't need any memories of him. He was going home.


End file.
